I Couldn’t Help Myself

It’s been about three years since I bought a new swimming suit — and that one was a cute red & white checkered retro swimdress on a sale rack at Marshalls.

The suit I’d been wearing before that was also purchased at Marshalls, the day after the California AIDS Ride in 1997 or so, when I got to L.A. and realized I didn’t have a swim suit to wear in the hotel hot tub. It was black with calypso ruffles trimmed in white around the plunging neckline. I actually really like that one.

Prior to that, I’d splurged on a beautiful black tank suit with mesh cutouts to take on my first vacation with Dave. To Cabo San Lucas. In 1992.

Yes, it’s been 16 years since I bought a NEW, new suit. And I still haven’t really done it right. You know the drill: take a deep breath, put on makeup, fix your hair, go to the mall with the intention of trying on, potentially, 100 suits until you find the exact right one (after checking all angles in the mirror).

Or… the alternative: buy multiple suits at the mall on a credit card, take them all home to be tried on in decent lighting, pray you keep one of them, return the losers to the store with that weird paper liner still stuck in the crotch area.

I hate that.

I hate the idea of that.

Maybe next year, when I’m at goal weight and have been Zone-ing and CrossFit-ing for almost two years it will seem like fun.

But I need a new suit NOW. All the Marshalls suits are too big on me now. I had to hold the top of the red & white checked swimdress in place when I jumped in the pool on Saturday! The other suits are all so big I can’t even wear them out of the house; it would be indecent. Baggy swimsuits expose dangerous areas!

I swear, I’m going to get a “real” suit this week. Something sleek and black that fits properly. Most likely from Victoria’s Secret or maybe this cute retro-styled one. VS has a bunch of good-looking, classic-shaped black tanks that I’m considering, and I know how their sizes fit my freakazoid not-thin-yet, but not-fat body.

In the meantime, I couldn’t resist this:

I know! Can you even?

I got it from MetroStyle, which seems to be the direct inspiration for (or the direct result of) the wardrobes on daytime soaps

Look out, Deep Eddy!